You should probably look at instead - I've been there for awhile.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I Fucked Ann Coulter In the Ass Hard

Of course everyone knows that Ann Coulter is a useless twat but did you know that she has a hungry asshole? I recall a coctail party a few months ago where a rare Republican in the Geography department was espousing the gospel of Ann and accompanied it with the drunken confession that he thought she was totally hot. Everyone looked at him as if he had just admit to a sexual proclivity for 6-year-olds. Obviously there are people in the world that agree with her mindless drivel but I thought it was clear to everyone what a terrible, frigid, mutant bitch she was that no one thought of her like that. But, apparently there is even a liberal contingent that fantasizes about the neo-cunt. It seems to follow along the pattern of explosive sex between arch enemies. . .

I spit on my skeezer-pleaser and, prying her ass cheeks apart like a hot dinner roll, drove it home, into the biggest browneye I had ever seen. She gurgled contentedly. Every thrust of my babymaker was met with a wrenched squeal as I grabbed her by the hips and began really leaning into it.
‘Harder!’ she begged, ‘Harder!! Tell me what you think of Chomsky!’
‘I..think..he’s..brill..iant..but..I..don’t really agree with much of his stance on Israel, and--’
‘You’re slowing down!’ she snapped. ‘DON’T SLOW DOWN!’
I went back to punishing her asshole, giving no thought whatsoever to compassionate conservatism as her chocolate socket gnawed on my pork pipe. She was babbling now, as out of a delirious reverie.

I Fucked Ann Coulter In the Ass Hard via Fleshbot

Monday, April 25, 2005

bringing a whole new meaning to "phone sex"

A new cell phone that shakes like the mobile version of a "rumble" game controller will be introduced by Samsung next week. from Wired News

Vibelet has been courting Dennis Adamo, CEO of Wicked Wireless, which develops porn-star-focused mobile content and partnered with Jenna Jameson for her moantones. Adamo has one major reservation about the wisdom of using a mobile phone to replace a garden-variety vibrator.

"I'm concerned about radiation," he said, noting that it is probably not wise to hold the RF gadgetry in a phone close to the most sensitive parts of the body for long periods of time.

Aside from the health concern, Adamo said initial forays into the field of teledildonics -- whereby electronics and virtual reality enable people to have long-distance sex -- have not been well-received by consumers.

Radiation, indeed.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

A pervy English lesson

I never used to be an elitist about grammar and spelling until I started this journal. I've found recently that simple mistakes send me through the roof. So, I present to you some grammar help. I made the example sentences pervy to hold your attention.

The biggest problem seems to be homonyms - these are words that sound the same but are often spelled differently and have different meanings.
there: Described a location.
Please hand me the lube, it is there on the table.
their: Possessive.
They could hardly keep their hands off of each other while they waited for the desk clerk to hand them the room key.
they're: Contraction of the words "they" and "are".
I can't stop staring at your breasts, they're so perfect.

its: Possessive. (A handy tip to remember this one is that "his" and "hers" don't have apostrophes!)
His bedroom had seen its fair share of one night stands.
it's: Contraction of the words "it" and "is".
If it's all the same to you, I'd like to be on top tonight.

your: Possessive.
I love feeling your cock inside my ass.
you're: Contraction of the words "you" and "are".
If you don't do as you're told, I will spank you.

Don't you wish you got to diagram these sorts of sentences in English class?

In our next class we will be covering "Netspeak". I'll give you the Reader's Digest version - Cut it the fuck out!

* Before I get corrected about my use of punctuation outside of quotation marks: In the US, punctuation goes inside of quotation marks regardless of logic. In the UK, Canada, and other English speaking countries it goes wherever it makes the most sense. I might live in the US but I tend to like logic. I do not, however, insert illogical instances of the letter "U" into perfectly good words like "color" or "favorite".

Saturday, April 23, 2005

some proto-smutty music for your listening pleasure

Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin - "Je T'aime. . .Moi Non Plus" right click and save as ;)

For years Serge Gainsbourg was the dirtiest old man you could find in France. This song was originally recorded by Brigitte Bardot in 1968 but was never released until the 1980s as it came out much too steamy. The Jane Birkin version is even sexier, though because of the delightful innocence behind the lusty sighs. It was actually banned by the BBC for being too obscene. Compared to the trash on the radio now, this seems tame but there is something so insanely sexy about it still. Enjoy! Serge est hyper-sexy. . .

Friday, April 22, 2005

flowers in bed

So, I didn't have any panties to match my new camisole so I tried to improvise with some organic materials. These would be much more interesting if I wasn't the one taking the pictures. . . Oh well. I hope you enjoy. Allow me to pre-empt any crass puns about fertilizing the flower bed or any other horticultural references that are inevitable ;)

**Note: The original post included several more pictures. Around a dozen, total.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Do you know how much sexy music I have?

So I have delusions in my head of becoming a sex mp3 blogger. This is a niche that hasn't been tapped yet and I want the elite across the world bumping uglies to music that is selected by me. Despite the less than stellar feedback about the idea yesterday (did I distract all of you with the naked pictures or are you really that ambivilent about music?) I am going to test things out here before I take this on the road. Right click and save (don't forget to give the file a proper name, my pic host strips them).

Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers - Astral Plane
"Tonight I'm all alone in my room. I'll go insane, if you won't sleep with me, I'll still be with you. . ."
What is sexier than a song about going out of your mind with desire? The answer: Jonathan Richman singing a song about going out of your mind with desire. The Modern Lovers are a classic, no doubt. There is a delicious bluesjazzrocksexgod aura to the track. The instrumentation is stripped down to its most rugged components which puts you front and center with Richman's growly croon. buy it from Insound

Cinerama - Lollobrigida
"You shake, I sweat, it stings. I ache, you're wet, I cling. Your sighs, your breasts, my cheek. . ."
Sometimes I think that everything David Gedge touches turns into instant sex. This song is a prime example of the phenomenon. There is a beautiful ethereal quality to the percussion and backing vocals that gives the song a wholly sensual weightlessness. This feel is very symptomatic of his work with Cinerama where he brought out all of the weird instruments he rarely used in The Wedding Present. It was pretty hard to pick a sexiest Cinerama song so if you like this one check out "Your Charms", "Au Pair", "Wow", and "Quick Before It Melts." Buy it from Tonevendor

Disclaimer: If you own the copyright to any of these tracks and do not want them displayed here, please email me at lumpesse (at) and I will gladly remove them. I'm just trying to help!

Monday, April 11, 2005

"Honey I'm a prize and you're a catch and we're a perfect match"

I am in a pissy mood and feeling very undesirable right now. But, this is not a journal for whining in. So, I am just going to post everything I can think of in the hopes that all of you anarcho-sexy-intelligentsia will say hot things to me.

First: The Audi-0h!
I have discovered the closest that I will ever get to fucking Stephen Malkmus, Morissey, or David Gedge. This vibrator actually translates audio into specific vibrations. Basically, I have decided that I am ignoring all of your answers to my vibrator poll and getting this instead. It is pricey but I will buy it as soon as I get a chance. The best part of the website is the customer comments:
"My wife doesn't complain about my band practicing in the house any more! You guys rock!"

Second: I Like Being Submissive
It is decided, I think it is really hot. The little role-plays I have been doing with a friend have gotten me so hot. Especially when he makes gruff demands of me and makes me pinch my nipples until I can't stand the pain. Wow. Last time we played he had me take these pictures. They are blurry and not that interesting but the point is that there were no re-takes. I grabbed the camera and obeyed his commands and he got the pictures that I took. Just remembering it gets me wet. Some of these qualify to me as graphic but he seemed to enjoy them so I am posting them for you. You can have a sliver of the experience.

*** There were more in the original post.

Third: Fucking to indie rock
I found the first two volumes of Red Hot and Bothered: The Indie Rock Guide to Dating comps on vinyl at my local mom and pop record store this weekend. Other than making me all old school and nostalgic in my music choices this week (see now playing), they got me thinking about sex and music. They came with zines that are pretty funny, one had an article titled "Everybody Wants to Shag to Yo La Tengo" and included a bunch of musicians and critics commenting on if it is possible to fuck to indie rock and if so to what songs. The whole article is hysterical (I'll scan it if anyone shows interest) but some of the best tidbits to me were:
Randy Bookasta: I haven't ever fucked to indie rock. The Cocteau Twins. Exclusively.
Brian Long: Oh yeah, especially old indie rock like Opal. Beat Happening, too. Calvins turn women on.
an aside from the author: Guided by Voices suggests a number of interesting tangential quandaries: Can tantric boinkers so it to the entire 5CD box set (6 for you vinyl-heads)? Does Alien Lanes pose a problem for premature ejaculators? Or do all those teensy-weensy songs result in 28 consecutive orgasms? Where does Kim Deal fit in all of this?

I already know that brushland wants to get head (I think from me!) to Slowdive's Souvlaki. As for me, I love morning sex listening to The Velvet Underground and Nico and (much to my chagrin) I've had my pussy licked expertly with Bauhaus playing in the background. Anyone else want to weigh in on the best music for particular sexual acts? Also, how do you folks feel about me posting sexy songs in here from time to time? I didn't get much of a response to (smog) but that was about 150 friends ago.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Do cocks with PhDs fuck smarter

I don't write fiction. But I just decided to try. I meant for this to have a more absurd and funny element to it, but for now it is just stripped down to its basic elements. This comes from my basic belief that people who do sexy things with their mind ought to do them with their bodies as well. This is a fantasy but it is about a real person. . .

Theory Erotica Part I

I hurried into Jack's office, running a few minutes late for our meeting.

"Hey, I'm here, how are you?"

"Good. So, what's up?"

"Well, you know that idea I had worked on for my thesis? I'm getting it into that journal you told me about."

He looks up from his computer with excitement. "That's great! I didn't even know you had sent it off."

"Well, I guess it is sort of a surprise."

There is a pause wherein he looks quite pleased with me. Then his face registers confusion or worry. He sombers up a bit to ask, "Ellie, are you sure about this library thing?"

"No, not really. . ." I trail off. There is no need for explanation. We both are starting to think I am capable of more.

"I mean, seriously, with a publication under your belt, you can get into any PhD program you want."

"Do you really think so? I don't know right now."

"Absolutely! This is sexy, cutting edge stuff you are doing."

I doubt this persistently. I've been so incredibly worried about my capabilities, it is hard to believe that I can succeed. Isn't that what advisors are supposed to tell you? Isn't he paid to make me think this way, in the name of perpetuating the profession? "Jack. . . I don't know." And I release a labored sigh. He cocks his head sympathetically at the worry in my eyes. "I mean, what do I do after the PhD? Will I get a job? I just don't seem cut out for it." Then, as a flippant and nervous joke I tack on, "Fat people can't do theory."

This last comment changes his expression from calm sympathy to confusion. Then a smile spreads over his face. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it just seems like doing the hot, sexy thing requires you to be. . .well, hot and sexy. No one wants to hear a chubby girl on an MLA panel about 'Baudrillard and BDSM.' It's just. . . it's just not the way things are." I look down at my feet as I realize I've said too much. Really, this isn't the crux of the problem - the source of my insecurity. All I've done is inappropriately given my advisor too much information on my body image problems. My eyes dart up to him to catch him eyeing me in a peculiar way. "I'm sorry. . . I mean, its not the point. I just. . .well you know how I worry about these things. I'll look into PhD programs, you're right about this."

"Ellie? What makes you think you aren't sexy enough to do theory?" Soon after these words leave his mouth, I notice something different. Jack, the god among men, is looking me up and down. His words catch me off guard. He has said them in such a way that any woman would know what is on his mind. I've run over this fantasy a million times and now I try to convince myself that there is no way it is coming true.

"I don't know, I mean, men never come on to me, for starters. I don't think I'm pretty. All of that." I answer back, attempting to disguise my hope and excitement.

"Well, when you were an undergrad, it was everything I could do not to try to fuck you." He makes this statement blankly. With little emotion, as if mentioning some departmental meeting or call for papers he heard about. But there was a little twinge when he got to the word "fuck" - he held it on his tongue for a moment. Almost with longing or nostalgia. I'm flummoxed, I see how this is going to go now and decide to play along.

"Then why didn't you?"

"You never showed any interest."

"Oh." I say. Then smirking, in what I think is my sexiest way, I add, "I guess I did a good job of hiding the fact that I was having dirty dreams about you 4 nights a week." I rush this statement out so that it can hit him all at once. I want to shock him the way he has shocked me.

In a world where he isn't wearing a polo shirt and this is all a cliché, he loosens his collar. But, right here and now, in this room, he leans back in his chair and expels a bit of air quickly from his lungs; he looks around the room uncomfortably. This lasts for a moment and his eyes rest back on me. Shocking him has empowered me a bit, I like the sense of control it gives me. So, although my heart is pounding out of my chest, I do my best to maintain composure and smile what I hope is a coy smile.

"Well, Jack, you must have had something in mind when you said that to me."

This has been his invitation. He softens again and the hungry look in his eyes intensifies. "You're right, I did. I think we ought to fuck."

Friday, April 08, 2005

red boots and fishnets

Okay, time to get the perviness back on track after my detour into philosophy. So, last night I played with a friend and dabbled in some mild distance domination. So. Fucking. Hot. He is brilliant. These pictures are some of the "proof" that I submitted to him after following his orders. He was kind enough to allow me to post them for you. His rationale: "others should share the enjoyment...they won't have what I had." No, they won't. . . I invite him to give some commentary on the situation in the comments if he would like to.

If you didn't mind the lapse of perviness, you'll get a kick out of my "theory fetish" erotic fiction that I am working on. Stay tuned for stories wherein our heroine finds out just what a dick with an Ivy League PhD feels like.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

If you're just here to look at my naughty bits, I'm getting ready to bring the French theory.

"To seduce is to die as reality and reconstitute oneself as illusion.  It is to be taken in by one's own illusion and move into an enchanted world." - Jean Baudrillard, Seduction

I've been thinking quite a bit about the nature of seduction from a personal standpoint.  The role it plays in my life.  The powers both granted and taken away.  As I thought of the power exchange that is inevitable in any seductive transaction I came to realize a bit more of what Baudrillard means.  There are many moments when I feel like a poseur as a seductress; as if the facade will crumble and the emperor's lack of clothes will no longer be sexy.  (I apologize for the mixed metaphor, I couldn't resist.)  This isn't a new phenomenon either, posting naughty pictures on the Internet has amplified the fears but they existed long before.  But, there are moments when the seduction succeeds (within Baudrillard's definition) these are the times that I subordinate the fear of acting and give myself over to the illusion of being a vixen/slut/goddess/whore.  Have I adopted this new ego as a simulacrum of my own seductive self?  Does my original self die in these moments?  If so, when do they begin and end? 

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

"I don't miss sex, it's just the feeling of skin against skin that I want"

Since I couldn't decide what to post about today I decided to revert to chance. I have a little list of things that I want to write entries on someday. So, I cut it up into little slips and put them in a box so I can select randomly. There are about 15 ideas in there and I can add more at anytime. So, give me ideas for things you might be interested in hearing about. In other news, I bought a new bra and boy short set on ebay. I thought they had lace inset from the picture but it turns out to be sequins! I haven't tried it on yet as I fear I'll look like I'm in the Roller Derby. Anyone care to see?

Today's Topic. . .
"Taking two cocks at once"

I was happy when I pulled this one out of the hat. But now that it is time to write about it, I'm not sure how to proceed. I'll just lay it out there for you. I love feeling really filled up. My boyfriend has a cock with a pretty formidable girth but, he certainly doesn't have two of them. I find that whenever he is in my ass I wish I had something in my pussy and vice versa. So, we have begun supplementing with toys so that I can be double penetrated. He seems to like it because it makes me even tighter than I already am and I like it for obvious reasons. I particularly remember the last time I was double penetrated because I had some perfectly amazing orgasms. The boy was fucking me in the ass with me on my back and him on top. I think this is an amazingly intimate position! As he began playing with my clit and breasts I asked him to put a dildo in my pussy. With his cock still in my ass, he slid our fairly large black and red dildo into me, right to the hilt. The toy is designed so it can be used in a harness so it has a circular base. The combination of the shape of the toy and the position we were in meant that each time he thrust his cock into me, he also slammed into the dildo. It has to be the closest thing to being fucked by two cocks that I have ever felt. Meanwhile the base of the dildo is stimulating my clit. I had a series of amazing orgasms from this, probably some of the best I've ever had.

Of course the title on my little slip wasn't "Taking a cock and a dildo at the same time" it was "Two cocks at once." This begs the question, does Ellie actually want to be fucked in her ass and pussy simultaneously? Well, I'm not really sure. As of now it is one of those fantasies that I'm not sure if I would want to act on. Logistically, I'm not sure how it operates in the context of regular old people that aren't porn stars. Is this sort of fucking sustainable for all three partners involved? I also wonder about arranging it in the first place. Luckily, my boyfriend is bisexual, so that helps jump the first barrier (fully straight guys seem like they can be weird about this sort of thing.) Still, seems like a complicated fantasy to orchestrate. Nonetheless, it is very nice to think about. . .